Just to be clear, this isn’t a Cosmo magazine. I won’t be discussing impossible positions, what lingerie to wear or how to install your newly purchased sex swing…However, there are some basic things that everyone can remember to make things, well, just MORE . I will also preface this by saying I’m married now and a step mom, so I’m not at the clubs every weekend or having random hook ups anymore…but I did, I have, and experience is half the battle
- Have a connection – This is that “thing” you can’t explain. The best sex comes from having some kind of unexplained attraction. It could be something as small as lingering eye contact across the room, or bigger like the physical heat that passes between two people when they are instinctively drawn to each other. Physical attraction is part of it for sure, but it’s usually something in a mannerism or personality that seals the deal. For example, my husband can make me crazy just by looking at me across the room sometimes. However, having that connection doesn’t mean you always necessarily like the other person. Attraction is a bitch that way. You could loathe that partner outside the bedroom, but when you’re alone you can’t keep your hands off each other. No matter what that connection is, it will never be great sex unless it’s there.
- Be confident – I don’t think that I can say this enough. Confidence, confidence, confidence. Even when you don’t completely feel it. This goes for men and women both. Body image is a huge factor in whether you are good in bed or not. If you hate your body and don’t give it the respect it deserves, you won’t be confident enough to let yourself really enjoy sex. This has nothing to do with how you look, but rather how you feel and how you will make your partner feel. Don’t get caught up in hiding pieces of you that you don’t like, because trust me, it’s not worth it, and it is way sexier to be an open and active participant in the actual act than it is to be preoccupied with trying to lay the way that hides that roll in your waist. Nobody likes to be getting busy with someone who isn’t sure of themselves. This also goes for your actual skills too. The reality of our society today is that people are more experienced and are starting that experience younger. Take advantage of that and take some time to master the basics, watch some youtube, watch some porn, and practice, practice, practice! Of course, if you are in a relationship, you have to learn the intricacies of your partner over time, but the mechanics of sex are pretty much the same, so get it done, do it with purpose and don’t get caught up in whether you are the best they’ve ever had. That will come with time, or will wrap itself around #1. Never underestimate that connection factor.
- Be spontaneous – For some people scheduling sex for a certain night of the week works for them. And hey, at least they are having sex, which is better than some. But there is something to be said for unexpected nookie. It’s a way to show your passion for one another, and to expand your borders a little. Don’t pull away when your partner nuzzles your neck in the kitchen or when you are folding the laundry. You don’t have to have sex right then, but to let your partner know you are turned on is a turn on itself. So be a little spontaneous, leave the panties at home, and see where it goes.
- Be open to try new things – Whether it’s sex toys, role play, a porn, a different position, or all of the above, be open to experiment. This doesn’t mean you have to go completely outside of your limits, but to push them every now and then is a really, really good thing. You find out things about yourself when you go to the edge of comfort and trust your partner enough to help you to cross that line. If you aren’t comfortable going into an actual adult store, there are a ton of really good, very discreet websites you can explore. Talk about what you like, find something that appeals to you both, and give it a try. If we don’t grow and learn together about what turns the other on, that’s when sex gets boring, and there is no excuse for boring sex, there just isn’t.
- Communicate – I don’t mean communicate in the sense of share your life story here. I mean communicate during sex what feels good, what doesn’t, and for gods sake please let your partner know you are enjoying yourself. You don’t have to be a screamer, but nobody likes a silent partner. I read a quote once that said if you don’t laugh with each other during sex, you aren’t doing it right. I couldn’t agree more. This doesn’t mean that you have to be giggling like an idiot, because that will get on your partners nerves, but don’t take this all so seriously. It’s supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be a release, and it’s supposed to be something you want to do over and over again. Gentle encouragements, guiding their hands to sensitive areas, lending a hand of your own are all ways to ensure that you have a good time and that they get to learn what you like. On the flip side, you also need to listen. You hear that boys, LISTEN. Pay attention to what your partner is telling you with their words, their body, and their breathing. Remember those things that made their breath catch, their eyes flutter closed or caused that soft moan. That kind of communication will have your partner coming back for more and appreciating your attentiveness to them as well.
- Share more than just your body – So even if you aren’t with a partner that you are planning on being with for the rest of your life, not to mention being with the next morning, that doesn’t mean that you can’t share more than just your body with them. I honestly don’t remember one sexual experience I had, be it a one night stand or a relationship, where there wasn’t a part of myself that I shared with my partner. I think part of being a passionate lover is being generous with yourself. Being honest, being you, and being passionate about that person that you have chosen to spend some time with. I think this is especially important if you don’t have the perfect body or the highest confidence level. One of the best compliments that a partner has ever given me was to tell me that I was one of the best partners they had ever been with, not because I was hot (which I totally am LOL) but because when I was with them, I was REALLY with them. I wasn’t thinking about what I had to do later that day, I wasn’t worried about my chubby thighs, and I wasn’t just there to have sex. Now, this guy and I were not in a relationship and were not really that close of friends either (see #1 for why we were having sex), but the point is, when you are going to be with someone in that way, have a good time, live in that moment and always be kind. They will remember that and they will remember you.
- Enjoy sex – This last one I know sounds silly, but I can’t tell you how many people I have come into contact with that are just luke warm about sex. I’m sorry, but I LOVE sex. It’s the ultimate stress relief, comedy show, and connection to another human being. Why would you not want to do that as often as possible? And seriously, who goes around saying, “Yeah I don’t really want to have an orgasm today.”? Not this girl.