Jay has asthma…has had it since he was little. For the most part it is manageable and under control but he has bad times of the year, like the fall and early winter, when it acts up. Recently, he has been fighting a chest cold which for him always lasts longer than a normal persons would. The events that occur in our home during this time make for perfect blog fodder…
We are not yet divorced…
- Remember they are the weaker sex – No matter what the cliche says, men are definitely the weaker sex. Try to remember that. If you forget, all you need to remind you is the pathetic pile of man flesh on the couch sniffling and watching bad TV while asking you what time they took their medicine last and if there is any orange juice that materialized in the refrigerator between now and the last time they asked, 10 minutes ago. Not sure why it’s our job to time medication intervals and provide vitamin C, but apparently it is. Meanwhile, don’t remind them of how you didn’t miss a day of work, managed to do the grocery shopping with the kids in tow, and picked up your own medication at the pharmacy while you had a cold last month. They don’t remember that, and they don’t care, you are an enigma they do not understand.
- Remember that you love them – Once you remember that they are weak little boys in man sized bodies, also remember that you love them. You will have to keep telling yourself this as they snap at you for asking them to go to bad after they have been sleeping on the couch for 2 hours with their mouths gaping open because they can’t breathe through their nose and snoring so loudly you are sure your neighbors think you are having some kind of construction done in your condo. Take out the wedding pictures…it helps a little.
- Stay calm – Do not scream at them to go to the doctors office because they can’t breathe and have green crap leaking out of every hole in their head. Screaming at them in this state elicits some sort of fight or flight instinct and they freeze, forget their own name, along with how to drive or speak coherently to a medical professional. Calmly call and make an appointment for them with the receptionist who has talked to 10 other wives that day making appointments for their husbands. If he is really awful, and if you are able to, drive him there. This is mainly to avoid the call 15 minutes later that features him swearing like a sailor in between coughing spasms and telling you he is now lost because he missed the turn off the highway. Also, do not mention that he missed the turn because he was on the wrong highway. No good will come of that. This is where practicing yoga and meditation turns into a valuable life skill…
- Pamper them, until it’s time to kick their ass – They really DON’T feel well. You do know that in your head and you can see that they are miserable. Cut them some slack, get them the medicine, make sure they drink, get rest, and have tissues. However, there comes a time in every man’s cold cycle that they do actually feel better and are now milking it. They will deny this of course, but do not be fooled. They are now just trying to avoid reality and want to stay home to watch the end of that history channel series on famous family feuds featuring the Hatfields and McCoys. At this point, kick their ass off the couch, tell them to take out the trash and hide the remote control. It may be the only way to get them to go back to work…
- Keep your distance – It varies for different men, but in my experience many of them want to all of a sudden cuddle and be uber affectionate while they are infested with germs. Do not fall into the trap. You will be caught off guard, you will think it’s sweet, you will give in and snuggle with him and stroke his hair to ease his headache. You will then curse every fiber of his being when the following week you feel like shit and he tells you to go sit on the other side of the house while he wears a mask to bed and will only touch you with plastic gloves on. So keep your distance, love them from afar, and get them better so that you have some kind of fighting chance of making it through unscathed. Remember, you don’t have you when you are sick…
